I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
