The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
