i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
