Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
