After last night, I could never be a politician.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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