can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
