On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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