she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
