she woke up with a sticky ear
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
