If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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