Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
