is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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