I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
