I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
