Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
