I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
