He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
