These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
