i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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