I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
