i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
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