I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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