have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
