i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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