What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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