I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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