my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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