ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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