these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
