So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Oh god it's open bar.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
