he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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