woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
