If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
