mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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