Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
