my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
