let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
