the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
