does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
