I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
