there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I just gift wrapped bread.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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