Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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