So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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