Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
