your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
This toilet bowl is my home.
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