Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
im calling her cock vulture from now on
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
