i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
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