you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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