So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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