she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
