My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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